I’ve been in four major relationships in my life that lasted approximately 13 years or so. You’d think I would have gotten the hang of it for once instead of just floundering along like a salmon going upstream to spawn- though I guess the analogy is wrong because salmon have are pre-programmed to have a plan to do something with their lives. This post is not about having a pity party for myself, it is a note for me to read later on- to show myself that maybe its just not a good idea to be in a relationship with anyone when I have not clearly been able to handle one much less handle myself as a grown up. Am I sharing too much? Who knows? At the age that I am now, I am beginning to realize that maybe being alone is not the bad thing after all. I just have to get over the crushing loneliness and alienation that I’ve self-imposed. Wow, this sure sounds like a self-incriminating post to me.
I’ve loved some very good women in my life. They’ve deserved my love because they have all loved me unconditionally. Some of my relationship failures were totally my fault. Some were a combination. Some were more one sided in the other direction… and that seems to change in my estimation from my point of view to the opposite. Some, were combinations of failures on both parts. Sometimes, I do not know who was at fault anymore and honestly, it does not matter because the past is past.
I should not dwell on it, but I do. No one likes being alone or being the cause of someone else’s pain. Yet, I am alone and I have caused pain.
One of these days, I have to learn how to deal with being alone and being with someone else while not feeling so alone.
Clearly, there is much to work on. All I can offer is apologies and try to move on while self-healing as best I can.